I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
