You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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