i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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