Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
