This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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