I need to stop coming to work sober
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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