Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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