There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
