There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Randomize
