You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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