I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I don't want my vagina anymore.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
