my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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