so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
