I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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