i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
