I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
