If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
