Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
worst night to have a conscience
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
