woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
