Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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