Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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