I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
well, you know. whores of a feather.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
