i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
