Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
