I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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