I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
