They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
