this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
