Yo dont text me then not text me
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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