I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
