my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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