Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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