The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
