i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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