Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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