how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
