remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
