I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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