just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
