I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
