i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
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I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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