just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
