My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I love having hate sex.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
