So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
either way he was missing a nipple.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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