Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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