I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
