god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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