Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just high enough for therapy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
