we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
