My first STD was from a foam party
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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