literally had 100 drinks last night.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
