She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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