maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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