She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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