If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
