I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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