I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
